It seems strange to me that, for all the thinking I've been doing, I'm not making progress about the things I'm setting my mind to. Instead, I seem to make headway on things that I haven't thought about, or that have bothered me for a long time.
Today I realized why I have so much trouble being a part of Crusade and fitting in. I thought for sure that Crusade would be a good fit -- I even had people telling me I looked like a "Crusade-y kind of guy". I might fit Crusade, but Crusade doesn't fit me, because the people in the group cannot be friends with me in the ways I need them to.
I need friends that I can be around on a day-to-day basis. I also need friends I can talk with about things. In high school I had both needs satisfied by Eric. In college I've only found people to be around all the time, but I can't find people to share things with. The people in Crusade, however, can't meet even the day-to-day need.
With the Crusade mindset, I can't just get together with people. I can, however, see them at Bible study, or Real Life, or maybe we can evangelize on the corner in downtown Evanston, or have a praise and worship night, etc. I never receive invites to go out to eat without strings attached. It's always "Come to Friday's PRAYER WALK! We'll be meeting at midnight and walking up and down the campus praying over every building, and then we'll go have ice cream and discuss how to share our faith!" Otherwise, it's for some sport I'm not aggressive or athletic enough to play. "Come to Wednesday's TACKLE FOOTBALL IN TECH. Four stories of the most intense, painful football you'll ever experience on God's Green Earth!"
Thus, today I realized I can't call myself a member of Crusade anymore -- I'm disappointed that three years have gone by and it's taken me that long to figure out why I haven't made any headway towards developing friendships there.